The Checklist: a Framework For Dealing With a Screaming Child

Now that we've had Quinn at home for a few weeks, Charlotte and I have developed a strategy for soothing him when he's losing his mind. We've dubbed this "the checklist", and that's exactly what it is. It reminds me a bit of the protocol that airplane pilots use when something has gone (terribly) wrong. Don't panic, just follow the checklist!

Hunger

This is the obvious one, and usually the first thing we try. Put the kid on the boob or shove a bottle in his face, and see what happens. Oftentimes, he's just hungry and the screaming will subside. Quinn is still so tiny that he basically eats every 2 or so hours. If you're lucky, he'll eat himself into a dream state and drift off.

Things get trickier if his feeding doesn't go smoothly. Quinn can work himself into a state of extreme frustration that will prevent him from taking the bottle or nipple. How are we supposed to feed the kid and calm him down if he refuses to eat? Seems like a design flaw to me. We usually run the other parts of the checklist to get him into a serene enough state to eat. Oftentimes bouncing is the way to go.

Swaddle Status

From basically the moment Quinn popped out, he demanded a tight swaddle. It's always been a pretty effective way to calm him down. A nurse once told us that swaddles help babies "get organized". Because they don't really have full awareness of their limbs, their own hands and feet tend to get in the way and frustrate them. Hence the importance of essentially placing them in a straight jacket for everyone's sanity.

While we were in the hospital, I tried in vain to learn the art of the nurse's blanket swaddle - grabbing each arm, a series of deliberate folds and restraints, several structurally important folds and tucks. I've still never really mastered it - especially when Quinn is throwing a fit and desperately flailing his extremities in frustration.

At home, we've taken to using an array of cheater swaddle suits. These things have a series of velcro flaps that greatly ease the process of restraint. I'll still try the occasional blanket swaddle out of desperation, but the result is usually pretty pathetic and Quinn breaks out faster than Houdini.

Swaddling is a binary thing on the checklist for us. If he's not swaddled and screaming, try a swaddle. If he's swaddled and screaming, let the boy free. Sometimes that calms him down, too.

Temperature

This one is tricky. I feel like babies tend to just run a little hot. A simple back of the hand to the forehead isn't always the best indicator of temperature. We do have a little forehead thermometer, but that's not always handy.

Basically, your input here is layers. The output is screaming. If the room is already warm, we try removing a layer, even all the way down to the diaper. If it feels cold, we will add one. Pretty straightforward.

Bouncing

I really wonder where the physiological dependency on motion / bouncing comes from. I suppose I could simply Google it, but I'd rather ramble on in a blog post.

Quinn really needs to be in motion at almost all waking times. It's exhausting. Not only does he need to be in motion, but simply walking him around often isn't enough. He needs to be swung up and down in a move we call "the elevator". This sometimes needs to be combined with full body squats to generate whatever calming effect he's looking for. The main trick is getting him moving enough to calm down without letting his head or neck bop free.

I've already managed to throw out my back by doing this. I went for a massage, and the therapist immediately found the muscle groups that had flared up. She apparently sees this type of thing all the time, especially with newer dads. But what the hell else am I supposed to do?

Diaper Status

You can't really fault anyone for not wanting to sit around in a pile of their own shit. I mean really. Diaper checks are pretty high up on the checklist for us. Quinn is actually surprisingly tolerant of a wet diaper, but everyone has their breaking point. The trick is often finding a way to change a wet diaper mid feed without him losing his mind. Sequencing that correctly is enormously satisfying.

Visual Stimulation / Enrichment Time

This one is tricky. Once in a while, the only way we can manage to snap Quinn out of a bout of hysteria is to show him one of his high contrast cards. Infants don't see particularly well, but the right amount of contrast has the potential to put them into a state of complete awe and focus. This sometimes also works with random household items. I did it the other day with a whisk. Always worth a shot.

We've also got a very cool baby playmat thing. It's always possible that simply tossing him on the ground amidst a jungle of different visual stimuli will be just what the doctor ordered.